U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
