Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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