i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He passed out mid-signature
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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