No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
We need to get me chipped asap
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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