I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Such a big mess for such a small penis
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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