So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize