Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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