She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I FOUND THE LEGS
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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