Define "chronic" masturbator.
no, he came in my armpit
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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