she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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