All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
