Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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