this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
