I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
