Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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