So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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