There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
