Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
