you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We talked him into tasing himself.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
