I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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