Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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