The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
