I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Randomize
