new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
