I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
