I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
