She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
