Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
