This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
