I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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