I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
