I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
