I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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