girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize