just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
