I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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