so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Ladies don't puke and tell
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
