you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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