yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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