I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
