we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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