I think my vagina is haunted
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Of course I have a pirate flag
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize