omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Randomize
