cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
