How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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