it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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