If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize