that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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