I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
