i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
