she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
