His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
