so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I haven't been this sober since birth.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
