my mouth tastes like poor choices
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
