i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Randomize
