sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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