I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
