What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
