you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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